MARITAL ISSUES => MARRIAGE MESSAGE 34

The Christian church is being lulled into sin, just as the world is. And this is causing problems in homes, churches, communities, and our world at large. Plus... it has to be breaking God's heart! He wants better from His children! We are to be a light, poking holes in the darkness -- not helping the darkness to spread further! How we pray all of us within the church will wake up!

Do you realize that sex is a type of worship? (See the quote on our web site www.marriagemissions.com for further explanation.) Lets face it, the enemy of our faith is all for disrupting and eliminating any type of worship possible that delights God's heart. "There is a right worship and a wrong worship. Wrong worship brought death to Aaron's sons when they offered the wrong fire and incense before God. To look at this literally, you can say that sex outside of marriage brings about death to our spirits, as well as to our sense of well-being or esteem" (Michelle McKinney Hammond).

But what about how you express yourself within your marriage? That's our concern. And we would like to address these concerns, from different angles -- with Cindy addressing wives and Steve addressing husbands.

CINDY: The concern that God has laid upon my heart is the misconceptions that women have allowed themselves to embrace in this area of marriage. I've been there and have done that myself, so I'm the last one to throw stones. However, praise God, I woke up. Sadly, when I speak on this topic at women's groups, I find many women are fooled just as I was. Authors of the book "Intimate Issues", Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus said that in their travels, they've found that "between 90 - 95 per cent of women don't have God's perspective" on this area of their marital relationship. I have to agree. The enemy of our faith has done a good job of snookering us!

We seem to go to two extremes. It's difficult to explain with the e-mail filters we have to get beyond, but basically, one is that we should be less expressive (especially as we see the world taking this publicly to a wrong extreme) and the other is that our husbands should shut themselves down to require less of us for many reasons. Both of these extremes are problematic.

The first extreme is dismissed by the example of the Shulammite woman in the book of Song of Songs. She was more than expressive, and yet God included it in the Bible. Why? It must be that He condoned her actions. Love like this, when it is expressed within marriage between husband and wife, is "good." It delights God's heart because it unites us as "one." However, when we take that expression outside of marriage and involve other people,that is when it isn't condoned by God and shouldn't be something we allow ourselves to participate in or entertain.

The other extreme should be viewed in the way that God created us -- as man and woman. We aren't created the same physically (which is obvious), but also in our mental and emotional tendencies. We aren't just packaged differently on the outside, so what makes us think we're the same on the way approach life intellectually and emotionally? We've got an entire section on our web site titled "Gender Differences" which addresses this issue that I encourage you to visit, because I think you could learn a lot (as we did).

We are different in what sex means to us. "The male drive is generated by physical needs, accompanied by emotional needs; a woman's drive stems from emotional needs along with physical needs" (Jack Mayall). "Visual [excitement over nakedness] is not as strong for women, but the emotional longings and cravings of our heart and soul for love, intimacy, affection and attention is just as difficult for us to deal with as the visual is for men" (Shannon Ethridge). That is why it is cruel for a man to continually deny his wife affection and it is cruel for a woman to continually deny her husband physically. Both are very important needs that shouldn't be overlooked, just because one or the other sees things differently. 

If you're having trouble in this area of your marriage, please, please, please get help! No matter what has been in your past, or is surrounding you in the present...seek to be whole and healthy to the glory of God (even if your husband isn't).

STEVE: There is so much that needs to be said from a man's standpoint, but this week I just want to give us men two quick thoughts to meditate on and then I will elaborate on them more next week. These come from what I believe to be the most powerful book (other than the Bible) addressing a man's heart and mind when it comes to sexual issues, "Every Man's Battle" by Steve Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. I highly recommend you get this book if you can. It's subtitle says a lot too: "Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time."

I'm going to ask you (and me) two questions. I want us to pray and ask God to reveal to us (men) what truth He wants us to come to terms with relating to them.

1) Do I look pure on the outside to everyone else --but in reality have I merely settled on a middle ground somewhere between paganism and obedience to God's standard?

2) Do I get any sexual gratification from anyone or anything other than my wife?

Please don't minimize the importance of how you answer these questions. As hard as it may be to come face-to-face with the truth, ask God's Holy Spirit to break through any defensive mechanisms you may have put up so that you can come to the place of beginning to "choose to be strong and courageous and to walk in purity."

We pray you will put and keep God at the center of your marriage -- especially in this area because the enemy of our faith is looking for a way to tempt you to stray away from being close to each other. Please make it your mission to shame the devil, not each other, and not God.

By Steve and Cindy Wright

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