GUARDING YOUR HEART ON-LINE => MARRIAGE MESSAGE 87

We’ve heard it said so often, “I never, ever thought it would happen to me.” But then it did. That statement can be applied to so many scenarios but especially to those who fall into the temptation of having an affair with another person.

It’s not very often that men and women are out looking to destroy their marriages by “falling in love” with someone other than their spouse especially in “Christian” marriages. Their intentions are often innocent and then they find themselves involved with that which grabs their heart unexpectedly. It “just happens” or so we think. But we’re told in the Bible to “Be on the alert; if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!” (1Corinthians 10:12)

That’s why we want to communicate it in every way possible to everyone we know to GUARD YOUR HEART! Giving in to temptation comes to the best of us. It’s not uncommon to be seized by it. (See 1 Corinthians 10:13.) Put into place those fences or hedges that can protect you from falling into temptation BEFORE you come upon it so you’re prepared and aren’t blind sided by that which you never expected to happen to you.

With that in mind we want to share with you an abbreviated version of a newspaper article that gives a clear warning about the dangers the Internet is now bringing into our homes. As wonderful as the Internet can be in giving us the ability to obtain helpful information and build healthier relationships, there are also dangers that can come with those opportunities.

I hope you’ll read the following article and discuss it with each other. It’s entitled: “On-Line Affairs” written by Jennifer Saranow of “The Wall Street Journal Online.” It reads:

It’s not just singles who are connecting online. Unhappily married people are, too. As Joe Nussbaum’s marriage began falling apart, the networking administrator from Louisville, Ky., says he retreated to the comfort of his home computer. An avid fan of the adventure game Everquest, he played three to four hours a night with a group of online gaming pals.

A year ago he began talking with a new female friend also married and an Everquest regular. Over the course of several months, chats within the game progressed to instant messages and then to phone calls. Though Mr. Nussbaum says he never intended it, and wasn’t looking to meet anyone, he fell in love. “It’s just the way you hit it off with some people,” he said. “The same thing could have happened if we were face to face.” Last October, he told his wife and asked out of their 10-year marriage and then went to meet the new woman for the 1st time in person.

The Internet has changed the way people date by making it easier to find potential mates with similar interests and backgrounds. But it has also changed the way married people strike up affairs. No need to slyly slide off the wedding ring: A computer and an Internet connection make it easy to discretely find new romance, and to keep any straying secret. E-mailing a love interest whether met online or in the real world means no need for hushed phone conversations or suspicious long-distance bills. As a result, the affair often comes as a complete shock.

“I would have staked my life on the fact that he was faithful,” says Missi Nussbaum, Joe’s wife. She said she begged him to spend less time on the computer. She knew he was online constantly, but thought at the time, “How bad can it be when he’s right there in the living room?”

Mark Gruber, a divorce lawyer practicing in Newton, N.J., says the number of people meeting other people online and actually running off with them” has increased immeasurably.” He estimates about 20% of his 200 divorce cases last year involved the Internet in some way, whether it be just e-mailing to arrange a rendezvous or having steamy chats with an online lover. He has seen clients go as far as Germany and Australia to be with a lover met online.

Two-thirds of divorce lawyers in a fall survey said the Internet played a significant role in their cases last year, up from essentially zero 5 years ago. The top Internet-related reasons for divorce: meeting a new love interest online; obsessive interest in pornography sites; and excessive time on the computer. In most cases, the affairs were sparked in chat rooms.

This may be just the tip of the iceberg. About half of all visitors to online dating sites are already married, according to market-research. Many may be curious or looking for a quick laugh, in the same way people read personal ads in the back of newspapers. Others may be using the site to try to set up friends. Some, however, are looking for love.

“People who put ‘discrete’ in their profiles are almost always married or involved with other people,” says Andrea Baker, a sociologist at Ohio University, who researches relationships that start on the Internet. Dr. Baker is conducting a study of couples who met online.

Putting an ad on an online dating site is what Dr. Baker calls the “see-what-happens version of cheating.” Compared with a chat room where people have to talk, those who post profiles are “less sure about whether they want to even do it or not and just want to see what may come their way,” Dr. Baker says. Dating sites officially discourage married people from coming online, though there are few ways to actually stop someone. Yahoo Inc.’s rules state: “Don’t post an ad unless you’re single, widowed, divorced, or separated.”

“No one has figured out how to prevent a small percent of married people from removing their wedding rings in order to masquerade as single and available, whether at a bus stop, a nightclub or on the Internet,” says Trish McDermott, a vice president at Match.com. “Sadly, we probably never will.”

Meanwhile, a cottage industry has sprung up to help suspicious spouses. SpectorSoft Corp. (www.spectorsoft.com), Vero Beach, Fla., says it sells about 5,000 units of surveillance software a month, compared with 2,500 monthly last year, and about 40% of sales come from suspicious spouses. Doug Fowler, SpectorSoft’s president, says the software was originally intended to help monitor child and employee behavior online.

Then, soon after launching 3½ years ago, the company tried selling its software on eBay Inc.’s auction site with the tagline: “Husband cheating online? Catch him with this.” Within two months, sales tripled to 300 units.

Kimberly Young, a psychologist and professor at St. Bonaventure University in New York, says the Internet offers anonymity, convenience and escape. A “flaw or idiosyncrasy with someone you love is magnified when you have an online lover who says and does all the right things,” Dr. Young says.

An online affair is also a lot easier than sneaking out. “You can meet anyone in the world without leaving a bedroom,” says David Greenfield, a clinical professor at the University of Connecticut and founder and chief executive of the Center for Internet Studies (www.virtual-addiction.com), a West Hartford, Conn., business that offers cyber-addiction education and prevention services. Were it not for the Internet, he says, some people “might have stayed married indefinitely.”

By Steve and Cindy Wright

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